Last week I talked more about what acceptance actually is. Which is all great and dandy. But how the heck do we do it?

There was a point in my life, before I became an acceptance master. Who am I kidding?! I’m a hard core work in progress on this one. 

But there was a point when I didn’t understand this concept in the slightest. So what did I do? What any modern day human does; I googled “how to accept things.” And every other form of that phrase I could think of. I’m nothing if not thorough in my research. But it didn’t help at all. Google failed me! I was no closer to knowing how to accept anything. 

Years later, I realized that acceptance is a process. And not a linear one. Like much, if not all, of life. There is no one step-by-step method to accept things. Still, I wanted to try to shed a little more light on the path to acceptance in hopes that someone else Google searching this topic might find more guidance than I did. With some good ol’ fashioned mindfulness, acceptance becomes easier.

Be In It

Whatever “it” is, be fully in it. Try not to push it away or grasp tightly to it. If you find yourself doing that, that’s okay. When you notice that you’re pushing or grasping, bring yourself back to the present moment. Many people hate the phrase “It is what it is,” but things are what they are. We can’t make them into anything else. We can’t wish them away. The moment is exactly what it is. 

Feel It 

Often we struggle with acceptance because we don’t like how we’re feeling. We could do without those painful or supremely uncomfortable sensations in our bodies. That tight throat, butterflies in the stomach, heat in our cheeks. That stuff sucks. No one likes feeling uncomfortable. But feelings happen and they gives us important information. The sooner we feel the feelings, the sooner we know what’s going on, and the sooner we can take appropriate action to do what we gotta do. 

Observe Your Thoughts

Oh, those suckers sure can eff us up. They tell us all kinds of untrue things. Which is great when we like those untrue things. Who doesn’t want to believe they’re the most amazing fairy princess in the world?! 

Yet, untrue thoughts can also make us feel like crap. But we believe them anyway. We’re stupid or lazy or always screw things up. No one loves us, no one ever has, and no one ever will. Ugh, I feel awful just writing those. And we all know what it’s like to think and actually believe them. 

When we get carried away in our thoughts, mindlessly drifting into our own personal hell, we’re so far from acceptance we might not even remember that word. But if we can take a step back and observe our thoughts, we can simply note that we’re having a thought and it is only a thought. This interrupts that process and keeps us on the path toward acceptance. 

Challenge Those Thoughts

Our thoughts aren’t necessarily wrong. Or right. Challenging our thoughts just means to check to see if there are any facts to support them. Be a journalist of your thoughts - the old fashioned kind that actually checked the facts before publishing a story. We often make up stories that we think are true, but when we fact check them we realize they aren’t actually. This takes away some of the power, making it easier to accept reality because we’re actually looking at reality.

Challenging thoughts can also look like coming up with alternative realities. This might sound counterintuitive to mindfulness since I’m encouraging you to make things up. But the reality is that we don’t know everything, or even most things. There could be a thousand reasons your friend didn’t say hi to you on the street. Brainstorm. Get creative with those possible reasons. Think outside of the box. Perhaps your friend didn’t make eye contact with you because an alien took over their body and making eye contact would let you in on the secret. Maybe they don’t have their contacts in so they couldn’t see you. Or were lost in thought. Or maybe they don’t like you anymore, but that’s just one explanation out of many and you can’t know that until they actually tell you that.

Challenging thoughts makes us realize that we don’t always have all the information. We won’t always know why things are the way they are, especially as they’re happening. Even afterwards, our memories are mostly interpretations, perceptions of an experience. Sometimes this acknowledgement alone makes it easier to accept our reality.

Be Kind to Yourself

Acceptance isn’t easy. I wish that were the reason I couldn’t find any good answers to “how to accept things.” The reality is it’s freaking hard. We all want things the way we want them when we want them. Expectations can lead to disappointment. Yet, it’s completely unrealistic not to have expectations. Sure, we can reign them in, but we all have needs, wants, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes they’re realized, sometimes they aren’t. We’re all doing the best we can so the sooner we realize that and do what we can to take care of ourselves in the face of disappointment and all other experiences, the easier it becomes to accept.

Take Some Action

Remember, acceptance doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about a situation. Sometimes taking mindful action helps us accept situations more quickly. To truly be mindful we can’t just observe, we also have to participate in our lives. Mindful participation empowers us, enabling us to do exactly what needs to be done in a given moment. 

For example, if we see a person abusing another person, intervening will likely lead to more acceptance of the situation than just being a bystander. If we think something is unfair and take some action to try to influence it in a more positive way, acceptance usually comes along. And we feel empowered. Acceptance is about creating change within so we can enact change outside of ourselves. Simply stewing on how horrible something was and how unfair life is does nothing for acceptance or creating change. Posting your rants to Facebook does next to nothing for acceptance and doesn’t actually change anything.

Sometimes, though, to take the most mindful action, we have to wait until we know what the best action is. Reacting ineffectively to situations as we always have won’t do a thing for acceptance or the betterment of our lives. Not acting can be major action in an of itself. 

So I’ll leave you with that deep thought to carry with you the rest of the week. And hopefully some ideas to help you accept all that life brings with it.