By Amanda Stemen, MS, LCSW

So here we are again. Another new year. In fact, a brand new decade. And to celebrate, another new year’s resolution post. I’ve shed light on different ways to set resolutions. I’ve also touted self-acceptance as the only resolution you need.  

This year I’m going to revisit 2018 and a new year’s resolution I failed miserably at. Okay, maybe fail is a bit strong. Or at least miserably is. But “being” is something that continues to be more of a challenge in my life than I’d like it to be (See what I did there!). So much so that I decided to make it my 2020 resolution theme. Perhaps for this entire decade. Probably the rest of my life. 

I’ve mentioned before that my favorite podcast is “On Being.” Perhaps because this is where I struggle most in life. The allowing. The accepting. The not trying to force a square peg into a round hole. I mean, sometimes that crap works. But not every time. Not even most of the time. Usually it makes everything worse. 

I equate “being” with not doing anything. There’s an underlying fear that if I simply am then I’m not enough. I have to do. I have to accomplish things. I have to contribute to this world. To be worthy.

We’re fed this myth. That we’re only worth what we contribute. People with more money, more power, more Instagram likes are somehow more important, more worthy human beings. 

The truth is we’re all worthy simply for existing. 

That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do things. That we shouldn’t help others. Or invent cool stuff. Or create works of art. Move our bodies and live life. 

It just means that stuff doesn’t define us. Or our worth. It’s simply what we’re doing to pass this time on this spinning planet. 

We don’t have an instruction manual spelling out our purpose or a road map to find it so so we have to go within and create it. Our output isn’t our purpose. Our purpose is who we truly are at our core. How we approach life. How we respond to challenges. That’s what defines us. Our output should be a reflection of that, not the end goal.

I was a big achiever throughout my many years of schooling. I like to joke that I accomplished more in four years of high school than I have the however many years since (We don’t need to do the math.). The only thing is it isn’t really a joke. If we’re looking straight at what we can measure (I know I said we’re not doing math.) that’s true. There were plenty of opportunities to set goals and see them through. There was definition and advancement built into the system. 

It was a system that left me ill prepared for the real world (And I’d argue just about everyone else too, but that’s for another time.). The real world isn’t linear. There aren’t specific steps to follow that will lead you directly to the next grade. We don’t all start our careers at the same time, get raises and promotions at the same time, or start businesses at the same time. We don’t all get married at the same time, have kids at the same time, or die at the same time. There isn’t even any particular order to most of that.  Instead it’s an uncomfortable, frustrating, beautiful adventure of twists and turns. None that have seemingly led me to my original beautifully mapped out destination. 

I’ve spent way too much of the last decade fighting reality. The social worker in me wants so badly for the world to be a fair place. That hard work, kindness, and some talent is enough to get you all you dream of. But there’s a lot more to it. A lot more than I may ever understand. None of us may ever understand. And all that fighting only led to burnout. 

That’s not to say I haven’t accomplished things I’m proud of and that have made a difference. I have. But I now place a lot less importance on measurable accomplishments as defining who I am and what I’m worth. Because I don’t have control over anything outside of myself. I’ve poured blood, sweat, and tears (Literally at times.) into things that meant a lot to me only to have things outside of my control wreak havoc like Godzilla or a small child toppling a sandcastle. 

The only thing I have control over is me, my thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions, who I am. No matter what life throws at me I’ll always have that. And there has to be a balance between “being” and “doing.”

So this is all to say I’ll be “being” a lot more this year and let the chips fall where they may. I’ve set some actual measurable goals, which are still necessary and helpful, but my focus is going to be more on how I go about working toward them and how I handle the inevitable detours that will show up on this adventure called life.