By Amanda Stemen
New Orleans cemetery
By Amanda Stemen, MS, LCSW
In the last week a lot of people have given some extra thought to death. And to life. Neither of which the average person thinks much about on the regular. We all logically know that we’re alive and that someday we’ll die, but part of us also believes in immortality. It can’t happen to us. It can’t happen to our loved ones. Not now anyway.
Yet, death happens every single moment of every single day. In old age. Right after birth. All ages in between. Naturally. Tragically. Technically, as soon as we’re born we’re dying.
Most of us don’t give it much thought because it makes us feel all kinds of uncomfortable emotions. Fear, sadness, anger. And really, we don’t have to think about it much. Until we get a reminder of our mortality.
There’s a shock that occurs with unexpected death. The realization that it could happen to anyone at anytime. It gives us pause. We feel things, a lot of things. We evaluate our lives. Are we living the way we want to be living it? We might make plans. Big plans. We might begin to execute them.
At some point in this process most return to previous ignorance. Moving about day-to-day life without much presence and awareness, going through the motions. Dying the entire way.
I view death differently than most. I don’t profess to know what happens to us after our bodies cease to exist. I know what I’d like to believe spiritually, but the truth is I don’t actually know. The only thing I do know is what I learned at some point in early science classes, that matter is neither created nor destroyed, which has always provided me with some comfort and maybe a little less fear around death than most.
This doesn’t mean I ride motorcycles at top speed, weaving in and out of Los Angeles traffic, or scale massive cliffs without ropes (Don’t get me wrong, I like my fair share of thrills and adventure, but I also try to do it with the intention of remaining alive.). It also doesn’t mean that I don’t feel sadness around others’ deaths. But generally, I give a little more thought to the art of living rather than dying. This leads me to look at the mourning process as an opportunity to evaluate my life and how I want to continue living it.
Spending time at the beach is part of living my best life.
I think the greatest way we can honor life is to live ours to its fullest. There’s some brilliant research conducted by palliative care nurse, Bronnie Ware, on the top five regrets of the dying. I find this to be the best guidance for my own reflection on living.
I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
It’s incredibly hard not to get caught up in living others’ expectations. From even before birth expectations are thrust upon us. Simply labeling “boy” or “girl” comes with a set of expectations. Some expectations are quite overt. “Be a doctor,” “Good girls and boys don’t do that,” “You’re going to hell if you do that.” Others are more subliminal. Advertising tells us that to be happy we have to own certain things, look a certain way, or achieve certain things. Even when we grow up in highly supportive environments, we still receive tons of messages about who we should be and what we should do.
I don’t know that we can ever entirely sort out what we truly want to do and be from what has been projected onto us. But we can try. We can go within, get quiet, and when present know if something feels true and authentic to us. Or if it’s something we’re simply doing so as not to disappoint someone or because we’ve been told it’ll lead to happiness, even if it actually isn’t. We know that we’re being most true to ourselves when we feel at peace with our actions and decisions. Even when it’s difficult, in the midst of chaos or others’ judgments. Being true to ourselves isn’t always easy, but it is always worth it.
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
We’re often working for things that don’t actually mean much to us or may not even be fully attainable. Money, success, admiration. While I’m not going to deny that I, too, want those things (Maybe due to that subliminal messaging.), I also know there’s no limit to that wanting. There’s no penultimate amount of money, success, or admiration that will satisfy us. We always want more. And more often comes at the cost of enjoying life.
I see so many people navigating life as zombies due to being burnt out from work. Even if there was some internal motivation in the beginning, it’s been lost to unrealistic expectations.
The things that actually bring us the most pleasure in life are simple. And often free. Time with loved ones, nature, a delicious home cooked meal, ice cream, a good book, inspiring music, baby animals.
So work less. If you’re good at what you do, you’ll keep your job. And if you aren’t, maybe it’s time to move onto something you are good at that will give you a little exra free time. We waste a lot of time at work anyway, so if you’re more efficient you’ll work less. Set healthy boundaries and odds are, you’ll not only see your free time increase, but also your salary and success.
Feelings are a part of living.
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Even as a therapist, I still struggle with this. Like many, I didn’t grow up surrounded by healthy emotional expression. I grew up thinking it was best for me to keep all emotions, other than happiness, to myself. If I didn’t, people were going to get mad at or be disappointed in me. Or tell me in some form that I shouldn’t feel the way I was feeling.
This invalidation was confusing. The fact of the matter is if we’re feeling something, we’re feeling something, no matter how much someone else wishes we weren’t. As I’ve learned the function and importance of feeling and expressing emotions, it’s become easier, but I’d still say one of my biggest fears is telling someone how I feel and having them dismiss it.
Still, even with all that fear, I keep trying to do it as much as I can. It’s important that others know how we feel. We can only fully connect to others through emotions (No matter what society has told you! Men, I’m looking at you in particular.). Emotions give us and others important information. Can you imagine inviting someone to a place they’ve never been and not giving them the address? Or not training a new employee? Emotional information is as important as factual information and our lives would all be better off if we shared that as freely as we do facts.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
This is one regret I know I’ll never have. I’m still friends with people I knew in elementary school. I won’t do the math, but since I don’t know off the top of my head, everyone can assume that was eons ago! I’ve made new friends over the years. And I’ve let some go as necessary or by way of life moving on as it does. But what has always stayed the same is that my friends and family are the most important things in my life.
They are the people who are here for us no matter what. We’re social creatures and we need a community. Support is vital. We literally die more quickly when we don’t have social connection.
It can be easy to lose touch. Especially as we get older. I live across the country and world from some loved ones and don’t always keep in as close of touch as I’d like, but when we do connect, we pick right back up where we left off.
So put the effort in. Relationships of any kind require maintenance. But if it’s a true friend, that effort is fun and always worth it. And if you’ve lost touch with someone and still think about them, reach back out. You never know what might happen. Worst case scenario, nothing changes. Best case, your life improves immensely.
I’m most happy and alive adventuring outdoors.
I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Yep.
I don’t necessarily look back on my life thus far and have major regrets, but there are many moments I wish I’d enjoyed more.
I had an epiphany when I began to more intentionally practice mindfulness. I realized how much of my life I’d missed out on because I hadn’t wanted to feel any pain. By avoiding discomfort, I’d also missed out on a lot of joy and peace. It was at that moment I vowed to be as present as I could no matter what was going on in my life. Since then I’ve still felt my share of pain. But I’ve also experienced the kind of happiness and love that has expanded my heart and world in ways I didn’t know were possible. Sometimes even in the midst of pain. Presence really does lend itself to being fully alive.
Living doesn’t always mean ease and good times. Living is laughter and tears, blood and sweat, dancing and not being able to get up off the couch. It’s everything that exists and true happiness can only be attained by experiencing all of it in the moment.
Living means facing death. Yours and others. Death will happen. Death is sad. But death is also so much more. So mourn any losses you need to mourn, fully and for as long as necessary. That is as much a part of living fully as anything else. And at the same time keep on living as best you know how.