We all get angry sometimes.
In the past week, I’ve been yelled at multiple times. Mostly by strangers. For nothing. Literally, just walking along, minding my own business, not getting in anyone’s way. This isn’t typical for me. I’m generally quite conflict averse. An issue in its own right, but we’ll get to that another time. I’ve only ever been in one fight—back in 6th grade. And it wasn’t even a real fight. My sister said something I found offensive, so I punched her. Then promptly got in so much trouble that I never hit anyone ever again. Don’t worry, I apologized, and we’re best friends to this day.
Why Am I Attracting Anger? Understanding the Patterns of Conflict
My whole life, I’ve been fascinated by patterns—puzzles. Putting the pieces together to figure out how they’re related. Since I’m rarely yelled at, particularly by strangers, I did some internal work. Is there something about me attracting this? Am I putting on too much of a frowny face? Being unintentionally disrespectful?
Two of the encounters happened while I was walking my dog, which seemed to anger the aggressors. But my dog was simply being a dog. Believe me, he’s had his feisty moments, so I’m more than willing to own up if he was being a problem. But he wasn’t. We were just walking.
These days, it seems everyone is angry.
It occurred to me that maybe the pattern doesn’t actually have anything to do with me. Maybe I just happened to be in the path of angry people looking to project that anger onto someone else. Perhaps I’m not the only one who’s been on the receiving end of this.
The Growing Anger Epidemic: Why People Are So Angry
Given all the negative and anger-inducing news and content in the world today, my new theory is that it’s not just me. It’s that people are becoming angrier due to the content they’re consuming, not doing anything productive about what they’re actually angry about, and thus, passing it along to unwitting strangers—and probably loved ones too.
This "anger epidemic" seems to be spreading, much like the recent measles outbreaks. Both of which I would argue stem from the same sources—ignorance and greed. I don’t blame people for being angry. There’s a lot to be angry about, both manufactured and real. In fact, I feel more anger than usual these days. But simply being angry all the time doesn’t change anything. In fact, if often multiplies the problems causing the anger in the first place.
How to Use Anger Effectively: The Importance of Understanding What Makes Us Angry
Anger is a useful tool in determining what’s important to us and if anything—or anyone—is getting in the way of our goals or violating our boundaries. But it’s really important to understand the root of our anger. Sometimes people or things really are getting in our way. But often, it’s due to a thought tied to past experiences, something in real time reminds us of those past experiences, and we lash out at innocents to relieve the tension rather than sitting with it until we truly understand what triggered that emotion.
If kids can learn to feel and express their emotions in healthy ways, so can us adults.
This is common. Human beings don’t like being uncomfortable. It makes sense. Discomfort signaled potential death for so much of our existence. However, in modern life, very little of the “discomfort” we experience is actually life-threatening. More often than not, it’s a sign of privilege we don’t even recognize. Even those of who have very little, you’re not moments away from perishing. Looking at the grand timeline of human existence, that’s still privilege, even as we face a plethora of other struggles.
How Mindfulness Can Help You Manage Anger More Effectively
I think it’s time for us all to be a little more uncomfortable—especially when angry. I’m not advocating anyone tolerate disrespectful or dangerous behavior, but we should pause before acting. Our instinct when angry is to lash out. This may be helpful when our life or the lives of those around us are being threatened in real time, but more often, the threat is more abstract or based on the fear of future threats.
In most cases, lashing out when angry only makes situations worse. Sure, people might listen up, retreat, or do what we want them to do. But the results rarely last. We need to do something that leads to longer-term solutions, or else the triggering situations and our anger will continue to return over and over.
Why Practicing Mindfulness When Angry is the Key to Resolution
Me on my walks trying to calm down, as represented by a businessman with no dog.
This is where good ol’ mindfulness comes into play. I’ve already written about this more in-depth, but here’s a quick recap: feel the physical sensations, regulate your nervous system (calm down!), and then make a conscious, thoughtful decision about how to handle the situation causing the anger.
Sometimes we realize we made some things up in our head, and the anger fades since there really wasn’t anything to be angry about. Sometimes there’s a very real situation that needs to be handled, but we can handle it much more effectively when we slow down and take a mindful approach.
Conclusion: Taking Care of Your Mental Health to Break the Cycle of Anger
So, please take care of your mental and physical health to avoid spreading more anger (and the measles) to the rest of us. After being verbally berated by these strangers, I felt angry myself. I could have easily engaged in an aggressive back-and-forth with these souls. I wanted to. I really wanted to. Especially since I’ve already encountered more than enough negative energy lately. But I took those deep breaths, continued on my walk, and kept bringing my attention back to the present moment to prevent me from reliving the encounter over and over in my head (which only adds to the anger). In essence, I acted like my dog, who couldn’t have cared less what these folks thought about us.
Eventually, the anger faded and led to me writing this.
Written by Amanda Stemen, MS, LCSW