Sometimes it’s really hard to be kind to ourselves or others. Maybe we’re judging ourselves or judging others. Maybe we’ve hurt ourselves, maybe others have hurt us, maybe we’ve hurt others. Maybe we’re having trouble forgiving ourselves or someone else. Whatever it is, love is not what we’re feeling. And even when we think we’re justified in those feelings, there’s still a part of us that knows we’re only hurting ourselves by holding onto such negative energy. We know it isn’t aligned with our true selves and we want to stop feeling so “bad.”
Luckily, there’s an antidote that will soften even the most hardened of hearts if we use it consistently. Loving-kindness is a mindful meditation practice to increase love and compassion for ourselves, loved ones, people we feel neutral toward, difficult people, our archenemies, and the world as a whole. All you have to do is intentionally send loving and kind wishes out to yourself and others. More specifically follow these steps:
1. Sit, stand, or lie down in a comfortable position.
2. Choose a person to send loving kindness to. Don’t select a person you don’t want to relate to with kindness and compassion. You can also start with yourself, or, if this is too difficult, with a person you already love. Or an animal or plant if you’re really struggling to feel the love for other human beings. It happens.
3. Breathe slowly and deeply, focusing on how it feels in your body to inhale and exhale. Open the palms of your hands and think about yourself or the person you chose.
4. Recite a set of warm wishes toward yourself or the other person, such as “May I (you) be happy,” “May I (you) be loved,” “May I (you) be healthy,” “May I (you) be safe,” “May I (you) be at peace,” or any other set of positive wishes you’d like. Repeat the script slowly, and focus on the meaning of each word as you say it in your mind. It’s common for the mind to wander so if it does, notice the other thoughts as they come and go, and gently bring your mind back to the script. Continue until you feel immersed in loving-kindness.
5. Gradually work up through loved ones, people you feel neutral toward, (Such as the mail person, a grocery store clerk, etc.) people you are angry with, and finally all beings.
6. Practice every day, starting with yourself and then moving to others.
Some personal notes from my own experience:
- The best part of this whole thing: You don’t have to be feeling any love to give it a shot. There’s something behind having the intention to get to love that will eventually soften our hearts. I can’t promise any sort of time frame. I’ve meditated on the same person for months before I could even feel neutral toward them, but hey, that’s progress! It may take years depending on the feelings and situation. But, like anything else, the more you practice the easier it becomes.
- Try not to judge yourself or the process. While the goal is to eventually reach loving-kindness, that can take time and there isn’t a right or wrong way to go about it. Just keep the intention to move toward love and you will.
- You don’t have to do this for every single person you know, simply choose a few that stand out to you that day.
- You can use people’s names or simply “you” when reciting the warm wishes.
- Sometimes I practice loving-kindness while doing other things that don’t take up much mental space, such as walking, running, driving, or doing chores. This is particularly helpful when I feel a lot of negative energy as physical movement also helps me dislodge the negative energy more than sitting still does.
- My personal script: “May I (you) be happy. May I (you) be loved and loving. May I (you) be safe and healthy. May I (you) be abundant and prosperous. May I (you) be peaceful and at ease.
So to all of you, may you be happy, may you be loved, may you be healthy, may you be safe, and may you be at peace!