Just like this butterfly becomes its beautiful self by not wasting energy resisting metamorphosis, we can learn to go with the flow and adapt to reality, too. Being effective means doing what works, even when life doesn’t go as planned.
Let’s be real. The whole reason we’re doing any of this mindfulness stuff, pausing, noticing our breath, tuning into the present moment, isn’t just to be calm and zen while life hurls curveballs at us. It’s to be effective. That’s right: to align our actions with our values and goals, to respond with wisdom instead of reactivity, and to live a life that actually feels like ours.
So, let’s cut to it: how do we practice being effective, especially when emotions are running high or life seems unfair?
What It Means to Be Effective
Being effective means doing what works, even when it’s not what you want to do. It’s acting in a way that moves you closer to your goals, not further away. It’s choosing flexibility over stubbornness, willingness over willfulness, and progress over pride.
Sounds simple, right? (It’s not. But still totally possible.)
How to Practice Effectiveness with DBT Mindfulness Skills
1. Focus on What Works
Willfulness looks a lot like this, determination to resist reality. But flowing with what is (aka being effective) doesn’t mean giving up, it means letting go of the fight that keeps us stuck.
Your emotions are valid and can give very useful info. They’re also not always helpful in the moment when you need to make wise moves. Being effective means noticing your feelings without letting them drive the bus. Pause, take a breath, and ask yourself:
What will actually help in this situation?
2. Play by the Rules (Kind Of)
This isn’t about blind obedience or giving in to toxic authority. It’s about cooperating when it makes sense, and being willing instead of willful. Willfulness says “I shouldn’t have to!” and digs in its heels. Willingness says “This sucks, but I’ll do it anyway because it works and is going to get me what I really want.”
3. Act as Skillfully as You Can
Do what the situation calls for, not what you wish was happening. Life isn’t always fair, and waiting around for it to be is a great way to stay stuck. When you act effectively, you choose movement over martyrdom.
Try This: Mindfulness Practices for Effectiveness
Here are a few ways to put the skill of effectiveness into action:
Example 1: “But I’m RIGHT!”
You’re mid-argument with your sweetheart ( or favorite conspiracy theorist), and they just do not get it. You want to prove your point, win the debate, and bask in the sweet glow of victory. Pause. Ask yourself: Is being right more important than being effective right now? Even if you have the facts on your side, backing off or validating their perspective may move the convo forward. That’s effective. Yelling louder? Not so much.
Example 2: Willfulness on a Work Call
You’re asked to take on a task that isn’t “your job.” You want to protest, resist, roll your eyes into the void. Pause. Ask: What response will get me closer to my long-term goals? Maybe saying “yes” (for now) helps build credibility or keep the peace. At least it can buy you time to calm down and come up with a more creative solution. That’s effective. Refusing and stewing in silent resentment? Willful.
Willing hands, open heart. This simple posture can be a powerful reminder to drop resistance and meet the moment with curiosity, not control. It's a small shift that can lead to big change.
Example 3: Relax Your Body to Relax Your Mind
Feeling tense and reactive? Try “willing hands,” relax your hands face-up in your lap or by your sides. Your body signals to your brain that you’re open, not defensive. That little shift can be the difference between reacting impulsively and responding skillfully.
Effectiveness vs. Willfulness: A Quick Comparison
Situation Willful Response Effective Response
Friend cancels last “That’s rude. I’m never “I’m disappointed, but I value
minute making plans again.” this friendship. I’ll express how I feel and move on.”
Boss gives you critical “Whatever. They’re wrong.” “Ouch. But maybe there’s
feedback something to learn here.”
You forgot to meditate “Ugh, I failed again. “Okay, I missed today.
today What’s the point?” I’ll try again tomorrow.”
The Takeaway: Be Like Water
Bruce Lee said, “Be like water.” DBT says, “Be effective.” Same vibe. Flow with the situation, not against it. Embrace the Tao. Let go of being right, fair, or in control, and start doing what actually works. Even if it’s uncomfortable. Even if your ego hates it. Your future self will thank you.
Written by Amanda Stemen, MS, LCSW