I’ve written quite a bit about change—not surprising for a therapist! Wanting change, fear of change, it’s pretty much the only reason any of us go to therapy. My most recent post about change we choose touches on how difficult change can be, but change that’s forced upon us—without choice—is a whole different ballgame.
The truth is, nothing stays the same. Impermanence is the only constant in life. Every single moment, something changes. Most of the time, it's so small that we don't notice right away. Sometimes it takes days, weeks, or even months to see the difference. And then there are those major life changes that happen in an instant, leaving us no choice but to adapt.
Change, impermanence, and the illusion of control have been on my mind even more lately. With the current natural disasters and the fast-changing political and social climate, it’s hard to process and adapt.
Humans, by nature, resist change. Our fight-or-flight responses kick in because change—whether it’s positive or negative—can trigger fear and anxiety. At the deepest level, we’re wired to believe that change could be a threat to our safety, well-being, and survival. If something hasn’t killed us yet, we tend to keep it around because something new could. So when change hits, we instinctively try to control it.
Our bodies aren’t great at immediately discerning actual danger, so without more closely examining our fears, we act as if we are in danger. We attempt to control our outer world by building things as we would like them to be, whether that’s physical infrastructure or the nature of our relationships. For awhile, this works. But, as we all know, nothing lasts forever. This desire to control that which we actually cannot comes from a place of denial, which is a very effective coping mechanism. In the short term, that is. It can make us feel better but ultimately, doesn’t solve the bigger problem.
Fight or flight mode.
This isn’t to say we should passively accept everything that happens to us. There are certainly things we can control that influence the world around us. However, to move through life with a sense of peace, it’s important to accept what we can’t control and focus on what we can. When we do this, we can handle change like grownups, and more effectively and proactively create a world that benefits us all.
So, without further ado, let’s dive into what we actually can control in life, and how to focus on those things.
The Power of Control: What You Can and Can’t Change
1. Other People
What You Can’t Control:
You can’t control how people act, what they think, or what happens to them. Everyone has different experiences, beliefs, and values, and those influence their actions. Some of these actions we agree with, and some we don’t. But ultimately, we have no control over others' behavior. No matter how much we whine, beg, bribe, or negotiate.
What You Can Control:
You can control your response to others’ behavior. You can choose to react calmly, set boundaries, and let people be themselves without enabling harmful behaviors. It’s important to act in a way that aligns with your values, even when others don’t. It’s important to note that a mindful response can influence others, which is very different from control. Change inspired through modeling of healthy and mature behaviors is freely chosen rather than coerced or manipulated. And much more likely to last!
2. Thoughts and Feelings
Attempts at controlling what we can’t control are futile.
What You Can’t Control:
Thoughts and feelings happen—whether you like them or not. They’re part of life and offer useful information about our emotional state.
What You Can Control:
You can control your attachment to your thoughts and feelings. Recognizing that thoughts and feelings are transient allows you to pause before reacting. Feel the feels, take a minute to process. This gives you the clarity to respond more effectively and in alignment with your values.
3. The Past
What You Can’t Control:
The past is set in stone. You can’t change what has already happened, no matter how much you wish you could. There are enough sci fi examples reminding us that going back into time to change it, never quite works out how we imagine it to.
What You Can Control:
You can control how you accept the past. Acceptance doesn’t mean liking or agreeing with what happened, but acknowledging reality so you can operate from a place of clarity. Learn from the past, reframe it, and make amends if necessary. Then, focus on what you can do in the present to create a better future.
4. The Future
What You Can’t Control:
Still, no matter how much you plan or prepare, you can’t predict the future. Life is full of uncertainty. And always knowing what’s coming next would be quite boring and unfulfilling.
What You Can Control:
While the future is unpredictable, you can strengthen your resilience. Focus on self-care, develop a growth mindset, and prioritize what matters most. Take one step at a time, rather than trying to control every outcome. Cultivate deep connections and stay true to who you are.
Accept what you cannot change and do what you can to make a difference.
5. Health, Aging, and Death
What You Can’t Control:
Aging, health issues, and death are inevitable. While it’s uncomfortable to think about, death is part of life.
What You Can Control:
What you can control is how you care for your mind and body. Prioritize good health by eating nutritious foods, staying active and enaged, minimizing stress, and getting proper sleep. Aging may be inevitable, but how we care for ourselves can greatly influence how we feel as we age.
6. Pain and Suffering
What You Can’t Control:
Pain and suffering are a part of life, whether physical or emotional. Sometimes, it’s caused by circumstances beyond our control, like stressors, grief, or illness.
What You Can Control:
You can control how you respond to your pain and the pain of others. You can heal yourself through self-care, compassion, and mindfulness. And when others are suffering, you can offer support and kindness.
7. Nature
What You Can’t Control:
Despite all our human ingenuity, we cannot control nature. Storms will come, seasons will change, and natural disasters will occur.
What You Can Control:
Forward momentum is a practice of balance between acceptance and change.
We can control how we treat the planet. We can reduce pollution, conserve resources, and support environmental causes. We can advocate for change in the way we treat the natural world—our planet needs us now more than ever.
Embrace What You Can Control and Let Go of What You Can’t
At the end of the day, there’s a lot we can’t control. However, the one thing we always have control over is our attitude and actions. Even small actions can make a difference, whether we directly see the results or not. By focusing on what we can change and accepting what we can’t, we create a sense of peace. Positivity and patience can help influence those around us, creating ripple effects in our communities and the world.
The key is to be strategic in the actions we take—channeling our energy into things we have control over, rather than wasting it on the things we don’t.
Take action where you can, and let go of what you can’t.
Written by Amanda Stemen