I made this teeny, tiny, little mistake last week. I mean, I definitely made more than one, but this one in particular was the inspiration for this post. I’m not going to bum you out with a rundown on everything I think I did “wrong.”
I write a weekly mindfulness email called A Mindful Minute (Sign up if you don’t already get it!) and last week I left a letter off a word in the email heading. I noticed it immediately after I hit send and thought, “Oh f%$@, what a dummy! Can I take it back?”
The shame flooded in. My face grew hot. Even though all I did was leave a letter off a word. No one was hurt in the process. No money was lost. The word was still decipherable. It wasn’t a big deal. At all. Who knows if anyone even noticed? And if anyone did, do they even care? And if they do care and are judging me, why should I care?
The Power of Mindfulness in Overcoming Judgment
Mistakes happen, but the shame is real.
Judgment says a lot more about the judger than the judgee. We all have insecurities and ways we think things should be in order to manage the discomfort of those insecurities. When we’re faced with those insecurities and we don’t want to deal with them, we judge. It feels better, temporarily, to blame others (or something else outside of us) for our discomfort rather than face the true origin of that discomfort within ourselves.
When I catch myself in judgment mode, it’s always when I’m already thinking I’m “less than” in some way. It doesn’t even have to be related to my specific insecurities. When I feel insecure (aka shame), I want that feeling to go away as quickly as possible and, if I don’t slow down and get curious about it, my subconscious automatically sets out to protect me by projecting it onto something or someone else.
For instance, I’d consider myself to be a good driver, but “bad” drivers drive (pun intended) me absolutely crazy! Cut me off, almost bump into me because you’re looking at your phone, or drive well below the speed limit—amongst a host of other offenses I’ve made up—and I turn into a whole other person. A person with the mouth of a sailor and a finger that extends automatically. Then, I stew in that anger, dreaming up revenge plots, and talking smack about them long after said offense. Meanwhile, the drivers are getting on with their best lives since most of the time, they didn’t even notice what they’d done. Which also pisses me off, but…
Mindfulness Practices for Reducing Self-Judgment and Cultivating Compassion
Compassion for others and self heals shame stemming from judgment.
I should also give myself some credit because that’s more of a past persona since I’ve been practicing mindfulness and become much more aware of my judgments. It happens much less than it used to—although still more than I’d like—and I’m more forgiving of myself and those committing offenses. I realize that often the anger stems from fear that I (or someone else) came close to death or injury, or I’m going to be late, but anger seems like a more useful, or familiar, emotion in that moment.
Acceptance, Letting Go, and the Power of Radical Compassion
We also judge situations as a way to manage the powerlessness we feel over our lack of control. That isn’t fair! It shouldn’t be this way. This isn’t cool, or right, or legit. As a big fan of “fair,” these are automatic thoughts that pop up quite often in my mind. Acceptance is a radical concept and seemingly impossible practice in these moments.
Judgment never happens when we’re feeling secure and confident about ourselves and our place in the universe. Cut me off when I’m blissfully practicing karaoke in my car, and whatevs! We may still feel angry, scared, sad, or other uncomfortable emotions related to experiences we have, but we’re more easily able to put them into context and deal with them. Judgment is problematic because it gets in the way of being effective in any given situation. Do we want to be right, or do we want to be happy? Am I right?
Embracing Mindful Self-Awareness: The Difference Between Judging and Evaluating
Evaluation isn’t judgment.
Not judging doesn’t mean we can’t discern, prefer, assess, or evaluate. Grading an academic paper a 92% vs. 75% isn’t judgment. It’s an evaluation of an assignment based on a rubric for assessment. This gives the receiver of that evaluation information moving forward should they choose to learn and grow from the experience. However, judging it as either good or bad gives zero useful information and often messes with people’s emotions. Those judged as “good” enough times will continue to follow the rules even when it might not serve them or others. And those judged as “bad” enough times often become insecure and unwilling to put themselves out there. But no one learns anything from judgment, other than what our insecurities are.
We can also decide whether or not we like something or want to spend time with someone without judgment. We can prefer certain foods, activities, and people to others without labeling them as good or bad or right or wrong. This is really helpful since we don’t have the time and energy to be and do everything (even when we try and oh, do we try). We have to make choices to keep it moving. And, interestingly enough, not judging our options clarifies the best choice for us to make in any given situation.
Why Mindfulness Can Transform How We See Ourselves and Others
The truth is, we all make mistakes, large and small. Even the most successful, seemingly perfect humans do things they wish they hadn’t done. So why can’t we give ourselves and others more grace?
Invention, innovation, and knowledge come from learning from “mistakes,” so don’t you worry if things don’t go quite according to plan.
Eventually, I laughed off my little letter mistake. After all, it became inspiration for some writing. And sometimes mistakes turn into bigger successes in the long run. Many major inventions or breakthroughs have happened accidentally. It’s called learning and growth. So maybe we should welcome these as “happy accidents” rather than judging them as “mistakes” and see what magic unfolds. So, join me this week (and ideally forever) in giving ourselves and those around us some grace, some benefit of the doubt, and see if we can create something more beautiful out of whatever may be.
Written by Amanda Stemen, MS, LCSW