By Amanda Stemen, MS, LCSW

Man, I was handling all this COVID-19 and social distancing stuff like a champ! Raised in the country, I’d been trained for this moment. A master at entertaining myself anytime with anything, I had this bull by the horns!

Granted, I can still work from home, thanks to technology. And I’m not a vulnerable population. So I was feeling all kinds of gratitude and love. Productivity levels nearing an all time high. Meditating. Exercising. Cooking delicious meals. Creating all kinds of fun stuff. Almost daily virtual happy hours with loved ones near and far, now that all feel far. Not missing hanging out in LA traffic at all.

I definitely didn’t want to do this forever, but life was pretty freaking good considering. I was probably a bit overly proud of myself that I could weather this virus better than most.

Then, I lost a contract with a company due to fear over the economy. Other clients bolted for the same reason. Then, they closed nature! All over Los Angeles! I think that was the point I started to lose it. When nature gets shut down, what else do you have left?

So I had a complete meltdown.

All those fun anxiety symptoms showed up to the party. The rapid heart rate, shallow breathing, pressure on my chest.

The thoughts raced. What if I can’t get more clients? I can’t believe people expect me to work for free! Do they know how much it costs to live and maintain a business in Los Angeles? Even during a shut down. What if I never create anything of value?

I felt immensely sorry for myself. I may or may not have yelled at the bf (He may or may not have deserved it.). I didn’t feel motivated. I couldn’t work or be productive. Social distancing fun was over.

Then, I upped it a notch and felt guilty for having a meltdown.

I know that I have a good life. My basic needs are and will continue to be taken care of. Everything will somehow work itself out. It always does. So many people have it much worse right now. So many people had it much worse even before any of this happened.

I have the coping skills to be able to handle this and still can’t handle this! I tried to “just get over it.” Which, of course, only made me feel worse.

I had to do something. Feeling my feelings wasn’t working. Sometimes this happens. Probably because I was stuck in my head. But I couldn’t get out.

So I had to get out.

I drove out of Los Angeles county to as remote of a spot I could find (I’m not telling anyone where I went.) with the caveat that if there were other people there I’d leave and at least I got a drive in (Which at this point I haven’t seen anything about spreading the virus through car travel with no interaction with anyone.). I wasn’t going to use any other community’s resources or make any contact with anyone or anything. I had a full gas tank and wasn’t going far enough to use it up. Just had to justify that for anyone judging my decision.

Nature has always been my go-to escape. As a kid, I wasn’t taught healthy ways to handle emotions. So when I felt tough stuff, I’d run down to the beach and woods until I was better able to handle life. Somehow I just knew that worked. Even a few moments of breathing fresh air in my backyard can spin a new perspective.

*This is not where I sought refuge as you might be able to tell by the number of boats on Bass Lake, but hope to someday soon.*

Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that breakdowns are okay. Feeling sorry for ourselves is okay. Throwing temper tantrums (That don’t harm anyone else.) are okay. As long as we don’t get stuck there or make things worse. We’re in a process of mourning (More on that later.) and these feelings are a natural part of that process.

Feel as sorry for yourself as you possibly can. Then move on. You may feel sorry for yourself again. And again. So do. Actually having the breakdown will move you forward more quickly than pretending you have it all together and everything’s all right. No one has it all together all the time, no matter how much they look like it. Especially right now. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself and the rest will take care of itself.