Eggs in mourning
By Amanda Stemen, MS, LCSW
The world is overwhelmed with emotions at the moment. Fear, sadness, confusion, hopelessness, helplessness, anger, guilt.
For some it’s easy to see where these feelings are coming from. You’ve caught COVID-19 or have loved ones who have. Perhaps you’ve lost someone to it. Or are more at risk of catching it due to being a vulnerable population or have to expose yourself to it on a regular basis. Maybe you don’t have the financial resources to not work at the moment. Or you can’t work, don’t have a safety net, and aren’t sure how you’re going to provide for yourself and your family.
Others of you are more baffled by what you’re feeling. The above doesn’t apply to you yet (And hopefully never will.). Sure, there are the natural worries of whether everyone you love will be safe, but basic needs are and will continue to be taken care of. So why can’t you just chill out and happily do all the things you always say you’ll do when you have the time?
Well, we’re all in the process of mourning. No matter our particular circumstances.
We’re mourning our old lives. We’re mourning future plans that may not happen when we want them to happen.
Yes, not all mourning is created equal. I’d much prefer mourning the loss of my old way of living over the loss of life. But it’s mourning nonetheless. And the process (not the degree) is the same no matter the loss.
Mourning ritual with rosary beads.
We don’t talk much about mourning in our culture, particularly the more common, daily mourning of change as a whole. With every new thing there was a loss of something. Sometimes we don’t need to mourn it and move on fully. Other times we’re perplexed when we experience sadness or other uncomfortable emotions when something “good” happens to us. Just ask a new mother about this!
There’s this phenomenon that people often experience after reaching a huge goal (Graduating, running a marathon, getting an award.). People do this big thing and in the midst of the pride and joy, they also experience the blues. That’s because that leg of their journey is over. They might run another race, get another degree, or have another baby, but the journey will be different. Each moment is technically different, but if we mourned each and every moment, well, I don’t know how much time we’d have for anything else.
But recognizing and dealing with grief and loss is extremely important. If we don’t, we don’t fully move forward. And living is moving forward. I shared some ways to assist with the grieving process awhile ago so here I want to focus on the more traditional Kublar-Ross stages of grief since that’s what we’re most familiar with. Some caveats: There is no right order or way to move through this process. You may experience one or more stages far more than others or some not at all. You may go through them in different orders. Or many different orders. Again, there is no right way to grieve. This is simply a model to provide some context so as not to feel like a crazy person.
Denial
Look at the people who are refusing to socially distance or quarantine themselves. Sure, they could be total jerk faces, but they could also be in the denial stage of mourning.
If I don’t give up my regular life, this isn’t happening.
Child in the midst of the mourning process.
Denial can be incredibly helpful. For a minute. Sometimes the pain is too great that if we faced it all at once we’d be overwhelmed by it. But it can’t last forever. Just because you avoid reality, doesn’t mean it isn’t still happening. And in the case of an uncontained virus, denial could lead to more loss to mourn.
Anger
We all feel angry when we have important goals blocked. It’s a signal to us that that’s what’s happening. Super usual information. In this case we’re all having all kinds of goals blocked. Going to work. Going to work in a safe environment. Traveling freely. Going to a freakin’ park. Seeing our loved ones. This anger is normal and natural.
It might manifest as outright anger. It might be more frustration. “This isn’t fair! Why is this happening right now?!” We might blame others. China, the president, other politicians, the people not social distancing, God, mother nature.
Feel that anger. Let it pass through. Don’t hurt anyone in the process. Anger actually grounds you back to reality. You just don’t want to do anything as a result of anger that makes the situation worse.
Bargaining
Please God (or other universal power), take the Coronavirus away and I’ll be nicer, buy less stuff, and make sure I work out and stop eating sugar.
Guilt is a part of bargaining. “I never should have wished for a break from work?!” It can be especially present in a global pandemic when we’re not an essential employee and feel mostly useless.
The guilt and bargaining will come and let it, but also know that many things are out of our control. We didn’t directly on our own cause any of this (Far as we know.). Taking control of what we can (Our attitude and actions.) will ease this part of the process. Staying at home is helping. Make masks. Donate food, money, or supplies if you have extra. Support loved ones. And strangers. Sometimes the tiniest of actions make the biggest differences.
Depression
We’re going to feel sad if we’ve lost something important to us. We might withdraw, feel numb, not want to do much of anything, have difficulty focusing, cry, be completely overwhelmed. Having suicidal thoughts isn’t uncommon either (Please seek professional help, though, if you are. There are many amazing people out there wanting to help you through this.).
Sadness is almost always a part of the grieving process.
This is often the toughest part of grief. Because it’s difficult to find the motivation to move forward. Or even participate in basic, everyday life.
But feel those unpleasant feelings fully. Retreat when you need to. But also force yourself to do the things that used to make you feel better. So you don’t get stuck there. Even if it’s simply taking a shower. The act of doing “regular” things is healing too. It reminds us that life moves on. Even if it’s different or missing something or someone.
I’ve heard many people joke about only wearing sweatpants, not putting on shoes or makeup, or not knowing the last time they washed their hair. And if you can do that and still feel mostly the same as you usually do, then good for you. But if you’re feeling down, don’t dismiss the benefit of a little self-care. Those seemingly frivolous things you spent time on in “normal” life might be what helps you the most when you’re grieving.
Acceptance
Ah, the part we all want to sprint toward. The ironic part of acceptance is that we have to grieve in order to accept. We have to feel all those uncomfortable emotions and everything else that comes along with it. Acceptance also doesn’t mean that we’re done with the grieving process, that we agree with what has happened, or that we’ll never again miss what we’ve lost.
Sometimes we accept and then feel down right angry the very next moment. Or depression sneaks up on us weeks later when we least expected it. There can be many pieces to grieve and sometimes we process one piece and then another pops up.
But if you do actually grieve, experiencing each stage just as it is for you, you will eventually reach a place of peace that lasts. I can’t promise when that will be. Everyone and every situation is different. Just know that we all go through this. We’re all going through this to some extent or another pretty much all the time as life is constantly shifting and changing.