Clams on the beach, seemingly deep in conversation.
Listening seems like it should be the easiest thing to do. If we’re lucky enough to have our hearing intact, we take sounds in all day long, whether we want to or not. Isn’t that listening?
Not exactly. That’s hearing. Aka perceiving sound. Listening is paying attention to what is heard. Much more difficult.
This is the primary complaint I hear from people struggling with any sort of relationship issue (romantic, platonic, familial, professional). I certainly don’t appreciate it when I’m not listened to. And know others don’t appreciate it when I’m not listening.
We probably all know what makes a bad listener. Interrupting while the other person is talking. Looking at our phone. Simply waiting for our turn to talk so we don’t actually catch anything that was said.
But what makes a good listener? Mindfulness. Plain and simple. Being fully present with the person or people you’re in conversation with.
Whew, that can be difficult! Our minds wander. We feel emotions. We filter what we hear through constructs we’ve built up over time so that we don’t receive the actual intended message. Often, when we’re listening we’re simply waiting for the other person to finish so we can have our say. I’m just as guilty of this as the next person. Even though I go into every interaction with the intention of staying present and mindfully listening to whoever is talking, as soon as someone says something that I have an emotional response to, I’m thinking of my reply. But even if it’s a positive reply, I’m no longer listening to that person. I’m listening to my thoughts.
One man listens, while another man talks.
I don’t know that it’s possible for our minds not to wander, but with continued mindfulness practice, they can wander less and our communication and relationships can improve.
Here are some things that help me to be more mindful in my listening:
Set the Intention
This allows us to be in a more mindful headspace going in. This won’t guarantee we’ll be 100% mindful in our listening, but it’ll increase the amount of time we’re mindfully listening. The goal is never perfection, but simply doing our best.
Put Aside Distractions
Definitely put away those cell phones. And other electronics. Look up from the computer screen if someone stops by your desk at work. Pause the television, put down the book, look up from stirring the soup, make some eye contact.
Make Sure It’s a Good Time
If it isn’t a good time, communicate that to the person trying to speak to you. If you’re in the middle of something that needs to be done asap or shifting your concentration might cause some harm, now’s not the time. Even if you’re trying to take a shower and your teenager needs to talk to you, “Like right now!” and technically, you could talk to them, they just might have to wait.
Don’t Interrupt (Usually)
Keep your mouth shut until the other person has completely finished speaking. Don’t try to finish their thoughts. This is my biggest listening flaw. Give people the space to say what they need to say. Interrupting can cause them to forget or become flustered, which doesn’t usually lead to positive feelings toward you on their end and the likelihood they’ll want to continue to speak with you in the future decreases.
The beach is a good place to talk and listen.
Of course, there are times when a person is going on and on and on and you have to wrap up the conversation. In which case, if you’re being mindful, you’ll be able to mindfully interrupt and set your boundary around that. Mindfully listening doesn’t mean you have to spend the entirety of your life listening to one person’s monologue. Luckily, most people have some concept of back and forth in conversation so hear them out. And mindful listening will give you the space to know when to hear someone out and when it’s appropriate to interrupt.
Bring Yourself Back
If-or rather I should say, when-you find your thoughts wandering, bring yourself back to the conversation at hand. Listen to the words they’re using (When I’m particularly distracted, I find it useful to repeat their exact words back to myself in my head, parroting them silently.), observe their body language, facial expressions, vocal tone, etc. Those are all important parts of communication.
Notice What’s Going on Inside of You
Mindful listening doesn’t mean we completely ignore our reactions to what a person is saying. At some point we’ll need to formulate a thoughtful response. Notice your thoughts as they appear, as well as your emotions and body sensations. They all give us helpful information as well and can be important to communicate in a response back to another person. “When you said that I felt my cheeks grow hot and was embarrassed.” Just don’t become so fixated on those observations that you’re no longer present.
Pause
After someone’s finished speaking, it’s okay to wait a couple beats before launching into your turn. Take a breath. Take in all that they just communicated to you. Make sure you understand as much as you can before you respond. Silence is uncomfortable for a lot of people, but forcing speech can be uncomfortable too. Take your time. People appreciate thoughtful responses far more than they’re bothered by pausing. In fact, most people probably won’t notice much of a pause. And if not saying anything at all until you’re ready is impossible for you to do saying something along the lines of, “Let me think about that for a minute before responding.” That buys us some time and communicates that we’re seriously considering what was just said.
Clarify What Was Heard
We may or may not fully understand what another person has said. Clarifying what you heard can be really helpful. This can be done by paraphrasing what you heard, as well as asking questions if you’re at all confused or simply want to make sure you heard them correctly.
What about when it’s really difficult?
Sometimes it’s really difficult to listen.
We’ve all sat in that boring lecture. Or lectures. Or listened to someone who’s not mindfully speaking (We’ll get to that later.). Or someone who’s being rude and disrespectful to us. As I mentioned earlier, mindful listening doesn’t necessarily mean you need to listen when it’s causing you harm or not adding to your life in any way.
You may have to set some boundaries. You might have to interrupt someone to tell them how you feel listening to them. You might have to leave a conversation or lecture if it comes down to that. If you can’t leave a situation and you aren’t in any danger (aside from death by boredom) you can use it as an opportunity to challenge yourself, really feeling the sensations in you body. That information might be helpful in preventing similar interactions in the future. When you’re mindful you’ll know what best serves you and the situation and be able to take effective action.
Most of the time listening is important and beneficial to you, the other person, and the relationships in your life. When we feel heard and understood by someone we want to be around them more and vice versa. We make and keep friends, land career opportunities, and move through life with more ease than we would otherwise. So your goal today and every day henceforth, is to listen with a little more presence and watch it change your life.
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This post is for informational purposes and not meant to be a replacement for professional mental health treatment.
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