This is probably what I look like complaining.
I hate to admit it, but sometimes I can be a world class complainer. Mostly in my head. But it’s still complaining even if I don’t say it outloud. Which is something I definitely do as well.
Far more than I’d like. Often without thinking.
Complaints that things aren’t fair. People are being mean. The terrible drivers and traffic in the city of Los Angeles. Not to mention the cost of living. There are never enough hours in the day. Weather is probably about the only thing I don’t complain about.
Complaining is not a turn on. No one likes to be around a complainer. I feel terrible when I hear others complain. And I feel terrible when I complain.
Before I began a mindfulness practice, I wasn’t even aware that I complained. I probably would have told you that I wasn’t a complainer. Unfortunately and fortunately, as I pay closer and closer attention to myself, I’ve also become more mindful of my complaining habit. Which isn’t as much fun as ignorance.
But mindfulness isn’t all fun and games and peace and butterflies. Mindfulness digs up all the ugly, dirty, and embarrassing crap we all work so hard to hide. Every single insecurity, secret, and complaint we have is brought to the surface.
My grandfather always said, “Quit whining or I’ll give you something to complain about.” (This is not us, but it could have been.)
So as I became more aware of my complaining, I was shocked at how much of it I did. I’d created this positive person persona that I like to think most people bought into. I’d pretend that I was making the best out of situations, but deep down I complained as hard as I could about them. As I became a more mindful complainer, I noticed how uncomfortable it was in my body. How complaints would take over my thoughts. How they kept me from moving forward.
I became so uncomfortable, I decided that had to stop. Since I was already mindfully feeling my feelings and noticing my thoughts, the next step had to be to take action. Initially, I not so mindfully tried to ignore or force the thoughts away. I judged myself for complaining, which essentially is complaining about complaining. I really upped my complain game there. Of course, it did nothing for me. I only felt worse.
It wasn’t until I was able to be fully present with my complaints, stopped judging myself, and accepted myself as a complainer (Something of a 12 step process.), that I began to look at complaining differently. Sure, too much of it isn’t helpful and super annoying. But sometimes complaining is helpful and necessary. It can help us identify actual problems and come up with solutions. So everyone will stop their dang complaining!
I realized just how important it is to be mindful of our complaints. When we notice that we’re complaining and how it feels in our bodies, we’re able to know just how often we do it. If we complain all of the time, it’s probably become an unhealthy habit and we need to check ourselves and our attitude. Nothing is that bad all the time (No matter what the news would like us to believe.) . Awareness of our thoughts lets us know specifically what’s bothering us. Sometimes it’s just us and our attitude and we need to deal with that internally. Sometimes it’s something outside of ourselves. When it’s something outside of ourselves, we have to decide whether it’s something we have to accept or whether it’s something we should try to enact change upon. The Serenity Prayer comes to mind.
Starting and signing a petition is one way to address a complaint.
Sometimes our complaints alert us to the fact that something isn’t right and we need to take action. If we don’t take action, we’ll just keep complaining and being annoying. If we take action, our complaining will actually decrease, even if things don’t turn out exactly the way we want. In the complaint research (Yep, that exists.), this is called “instrumental complaining.” It’s being mindful and strategic with your complaints. This means complaining to those who can be of help, as well as coming up with solutions or having the intention of developing solutions.
This empowers us, whereas, mindless complaining turns us into victims. We can’t control everything and everyone in our lives, but we can control our actions and do the best we can do. I recommend the following in order to be more mindful in your complaints:
Notice when you’re complaining and what you’re complaining about. You can’t do anything about something you don’t know anything about.
Feel how it feels in your body. If something feels uncomfortable enough, you’ll be more motivated to take action.
Take that action. Do what you can do and accept what you cannot.